The Twenty Six Rules
of Proper Concert Attendence
What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy.
That little quote up there was spoken by Droz (Jeremy Piven) in the quality film, PCU, and it best qualifies why someone want's to follow these twenty six rules of proper concert attendence. All of us should strive not to be "that guy" in life, and heres a little primer on how you, too, can not be that guy.
Rule 1: Never, under any circumstances, wear a t shirt of the band that you are going to see.
Now, a lot of people come up to me and say, "But Dude Love, [band] is the greatest band ever, and I need to show my support for them by wearing the t shirt to the show!" Well, guess what. You're going to the show. That means you are showing your support for the band. Wearing a t shirt of the band you're going to see is preaching to the choir. Obviously you like the band, you just shelled out a wad of cash on tickets to the show, and chances are, youre going to spend a wad of cash on a t shirt at the show. Don't ever put that t shirt on. All thats doing is saying, "look at me I went to the concert that I'm attending, presently." So then you ask me, "Dude Love, if I'm not wearing the shirt of the band I'm going to see, then what am I going to wear?" This of course is covered in rule two.
Rule 2: Proper T Shirt Selection
There are a few things to keep in mind when choosing the right t shirt to wear to a concert--what is the concert format, what style of music is it, and is there a chance that beer/blood/puke will end up on you. These three factors are clearly intertwined. For example, you are much more likely to have beer spilled on you at a metal festival than at Kenny G "Live at Red Rocks". Usually the safest bet when going to a concert is to go into your closet, see what t shirt closely matches the band you are going to see, and wear that one. That says to the other concert attendees that while you love [band] enough to shell out a few tenners on tickets, you have other musical tastes and aren't a complete fanboy (or girl). Nobody likes fanboys (or fangirls).
Rule 3: Always show up early and get hammered in the parking lot
The worst part about concerts is the hideously high prices of food and drink, so the best way to combat this is of course to take a 30 pack of busch lite with you and tailgate. This way, you won't have to drop $5 a beer once your inside, and even if you do, you'll be too drunk to care.
Rule 4: Tailgate Music Selection
Just as you should never wear the t shirt of the band you are going to see, you should never listen to the band you are going to see before you go to see them. You should want your concert experience to be as memorable as possible, and to do that, you must first clear your head of why you like the band. You want that band to come out on stage and prove to you why they are awesome. Going into a concert with preconcieved notions often leads to dissapointment. Going in with no expectations always means that the show is sure to rock you.
Rule 5: Never put off buying tickets to a concert
In the rough and tumble world of music promotion, bands can become very fickle, venues can close, or worst of all a band that you think that you alone know of can sell out a venue in a day. If a band that you love is in your area, go buy tickets as soon as you can, otherwise you risk never being able to see them live again.
Rule 6: If you can't get anyone to go to a concert with you, go alone
Once you're at the concert, you cease to be alone. Commend the guy next to you on not being that guy. Cruise for chicks (or if you are a chick, let guys cruise for you). Talk about other concerts you've been to, but don't brag or else you might end up being that guy.
Rule 7: People at concerts 30 years older than you are always that guy
Rule 8: Keep your ticket stub
Rule 9: Make sure you know the venue's policies on cameras, chains, flamethrowers, etc.
Rule 10: Never attend any concert where the "band" has one original member
Rule 11: Never spend more than $50 on swag
How can you buy swag at other shows if you spend it all at one?.
Rule 12: Kareoke Night =/= A Concert
Rule 13: When at a venue with a balcony, First Row Balcony seats are usually cheaper and better than floor
Rule 14: Superbowl Halftime Shows =/= A Concert
Rule 15: Always participate in Frontman led singalong/screaming/loudness contests
Rule 16: If a band doesn't play a song you wanted to hear, don't get bummed, get tickets to their next show
Rule 17: Never listen to the band on the way home from the concert
This is pretty much for the same reasons as Rule 4. You don't want to tarnish your memory of the concert right off the bat.
Rule 18: Appreciate the well timed cover song
Rule 19: Never, under any circumstances, wear the t shirt of the band you are going to see
Rule 20: If you go to a festival where you only like a few bands, give them all a chance, you never know who might impress you
Rule 21: Ozzy's performance at Ozzfest =/= A Concert
Rule 22: Support local venues
You never know when one will close, leaving your town without a midsize club setting for concerts
Rule 23: Flavor of the Month pop singers dancing around to pre-recorded shows =/= A Concert
Rule 24: Don't be pissed when a band plays a version of a song that is different than the studio version
Rule 25: If you manage to make it to a meet and greet, always remember the information given to you by event staff, it may come in handy later when trying to get your girlfriend a record deal
Rule 26: Don't be that guy!
©2006 Frog With a Two By Four Productions